STORIES
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I'm a big advocate as to talking about SUICIDE because first hand I have noticed how difficult it is for people to talk and listen about the bereavment after a suicide loss.
In Sept of 2014, I met a friend her name was Dee. She was a riot. Right away we had too many ironic connections. A 48 year old souled lady who had such a young heart. I was going through a difficult time in my life and was resorting to the bottle most days of week. To escape my home life that was depressing and to escape my breakup of four plus years I resorted to drinking.
Spending more time at Dees house I gained a trust in her. She felt like home. She was 48 I was 26 but I noticed our souls were somewhat the same age when we were together. We would listen to oldies and dance in her living room all night. Some nights we got deep in chatter and other nights we were calm and when I would cry she would rock me in her arms. Dee was a women who loved women, she was somewhat a guy trapped in her woman's body. I couldn't deny her, there was something about her. My long drinking nights would resort to me spending the night at her house. She was the nicest most loving person I had in my life at that time..but I was not a lesbian, but I am attracted to her.. BOY was I confused! She was always there saying perfect things, I was going through such heartache and she soothed every bit of it.
She wanted me to be open to the idea of her and I as a couple. She would always say "when you are ready Roz" she was understanding to how new this was for me. She tried to help me cut back on my new drinking habbit, brought me to AA groups. Dee was a addict and as we grew closer I learned more and more about her and her story. Her mother had three children before her, then Dee was born but born with a different father than her sisters and brother. Everyone knew this little secret but her. So her father suffered as well as Dee. She didn't find this out until after her father shot himself in his garage. She then felt "cursed" if you will. She played and she flirted with death in her past, with drugs and firearms. This part of her life is just a smidge to what hand of cards she was dealt from day one. Just a smidge of where her pain came from the rest is far beyond what someone can imagine for a little girl.
In memory of Dee
Dees pain led her into a lifestyle of addiction. Not only did she have emotional pain but she had physical pain. She had a metal plate in her low back with screws in both her back and neck. She needed her pain medicine to survive, to get through everyday. April 2014 Dee did not have her medicine she needed, going through withdrawal made her dance with death once again and that day was her last dance.
I walked into her house, walked down the hall and opened her door to find her laying in a unusual position. When she wasn't responding I turned her shoulder to find her in a way I cannot derail from my everyday thoughts. Dee used a 22 to her right temple. It's haunting. It smothered all my wonderful memories that were so fresh. It was a horrid tragedy. That she would of never wanted for me because she loved me so. The pain overroad her heart, drugs played their roll in her suicide as well as untreated mental illness and a loss of hope.
Some days I know she's sad when I'm sad. Some days I know her energy is flying through me and some days are just the same...another day without her. She taught me what to really expect from a lover. Dee made me feel what that four letter word is all about. I never got to tell her something. That we were finally together..because following her death I became known as her girlfriend/companion in the hospital, in the obituary, and at the wake. A title I was honored to take. Instead of being able to look into her eyes to tell her I had to look to the stars that night.
@rozzygal | @bojack06 #inmemoryofdee
